Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
