You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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