dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Randomize
