Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
