You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
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She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize