so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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