The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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