Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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