dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
