the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
She bit a glass in half.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
