i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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