grandma shit on top of the toilet
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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