My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
