The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
