My underwear smells like fireworks.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
