Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
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