I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
