My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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