Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
