Non-Jews are for practice
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
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