Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
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