I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I'm eating all of the evidence.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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