if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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