made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
This is classic penis vs brain.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Randomize
