I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
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High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
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And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
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