Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
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the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
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