vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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