Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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