Having a random hookup so left but love u
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Randomize
