just survived the first fart of the relationship.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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