Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
