it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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