i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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