I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
