this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize
