how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
