batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
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