You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Randomize
