allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Randomize
