fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
