I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
