Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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