Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
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