You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
