I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
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I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
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There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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