I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I think weed is turning my hair brown
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
