Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
