Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
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