at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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