There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
