Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
