Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
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