So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
We don't watch enough power rangers
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
