Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
this hospital has no fireball
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
