just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
