trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
