Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
