i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
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