Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
