Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Randomize
