She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
